…
How is it that I could accomplish so much yesterday, go to sleep in good faith I can repeat the day, and not remember the one thing that happened? I had done such a good job focusing on other things that is was almost as though I had blocked it entirely from my mind. I woke up this morning with the usual routine. Get out of bed. Brush my teeth. Wash my face. Put on some day clothes. Pack up my laptop, my agenda, my loose leaf papers. Walk to school, but not before I stop by Rituals for a Java Chip Chiller. Plant myself in Classroom 1. And as soon as I sat down, when I had the time to relax, to catch myself, my memory came back.
I said yesterday, “Stop.” And just like that, with one word, I had the power to make all things stop. The time, everyone’s movements around me, the work I was doing, my breath, my heart. But the one thing that could not stop were tears.
Trying to start fresh
I’m almost done with my break – I don’t know how long of a break I actually gave me, but I’ve stalled long enough. I have re-newed energy for the upcoming mini 3. I’m positive this enthusiasm will not last long, but I must utilize it to the best of my ability. I’m afraid to check my test scores for the mini exam that just went by. I’m not going to think of my scores until after all of my extracurricular activities are over with.
I went to bad last night debating whether I should go swimming in the morning. I want to make the time to work out, but it’s really hard when you care more about… not failing out. At the same time, my lack of physical activity also attributes to my restlessness. When I woke up, I made a conscious decision to swim except when I got to the pool the island employees were not done cleaning it. I had a three second burst of hatred eminating from my body and then I breathed and walked away. I covered some lectures and then went swimming on my lunch break. It was well worth the effort. 
At some point in my free time yesterday, I started looking up information for reiki treatments. Once you undergo training, you can do reiki for life. But the more you fall out of habit, the harder it is for you to channel the energy. This was understood from my first day of training, but I didn’t perceive myself falling out of it. It was only until I read that webpage that I realized… whenever I do reiki, it’s more difficult to feel the energy surging through my body. It’s a little difficult even to do body scans… so at some point, I would like to pick up meditation and treat myself regularly. I feel that it one of the best ways to make sure I enforce positive habits and think more highly of myself. Jesse is on a mission to make sure I don’t think negative of myself. It’d be awesome if he actually went through with the reiki training.
Now, I have to get back to work and start my second study guide.
Yesterday
Yesterday, I took my test which I did not own. I felt very confident going into my first exam. I had never really fallen behind, I recognized questions on the test. This second, ooph… there were questions that I wondered, “What lecture is this from?” What a terrible feeling… to have to guess throughout the test. I got more and more depressed as I went through it.
S.J. was feeling depressed, and somehow she tagged along to my lonesome self. I put a bag full of swimming stuff in S.S.’s locker and retrieved them shortly after the exam. S.J. and I walked to the pool, and we talked for a little bit. S.S. joined us later and he taught me how to do proper strokes since he was on the swim team. I was greatly tired after the exam, but forcing myself to swim was important to me… I suppose it was the least I can do.
After I got changed, we all went to Subway and had pizza. We separated out own ways. S. J. stayed behind with a group of friends, S.S. went to the library for some PBL research and I caught the first shuttle bus out. Charlie was the shuttle driver. I got to converse with him and get to know him better – I always want to talk to the locals here. Apparently, he lives just outside my apartment complex. From now on, whenever he brings me home I’m going to say goodbye like this: “Bye Neighbor!”
When I came home, I took my shower to de-chlorinate. The depression was still lingering around, so it took awhile for me to pick myself up. I watched some movies on TV – there are so many movies on the cable here. I watched Knocked Up, which seemed like a mistake. I also watched bits and pieces of High School Musical… Then I watched some movie.. Mandy Moore was in it… it was about a born again high school. It was oddly funny.
Eventually I was able to talk to Jesse. After hearing awhile about his day, I sort of blurted out that I had a conversation with C.N. who appears to be in the same situation as me in terms of GPA. This week is the last chance to withdraw from the semester without the grades appearing on my transcript. I guess we are brainstorming. Will have to make a quick decision about that. Jesse did a good job cheering me up while I was crying. I have to keep myself out of this negative cloud.
…
As long as I do my part, I’ll get what I want. I don’t have the capacity to get that though.
…
I don’t think I get second chances around here… maybe I should consider talking to a counselor here.
Taking some time to breathe
I wanted to find a poem that I had made a long time ago, so I went back to my xanga to search. It was… nostalgic. Everything was so different. The email address, the people added as subscriptions, the way I typed, my vocabulary, my interests, the people mentioned, my personality.
I wouldn’t necessarily say it is a shame to have lost a lot from the past; rather, I find it all more of a step into growth. Growing wiser and narrowing down my path type of thing. At the same time, I see all that I’ve lost and all that I’ve changed from looking at concrete journal entries, but I reflect back on the things I have now. My experiences, my connections, loved ones, my ambitions… they’re all so different and unique. They’re things I greatly value, and I never had them in the past. That, to me, is an amazing thing. I think that I have finally understood why I like to journal so much. To have the capacity to go back in time to a previous mindsetting – years later – and see how much I’ve grown. I think I subconciously knew it from the first time I started to journal in high school. From the time I started to wonder what I wanted to do with my life, and never understood my desires.
And now? I know how to meditate. I’m a reiki practitioner. I’ve somehow learned and discovered that which science isn’t smart enough to comprehend yet. It’s opened my eyes to the entire universe and how that relates to me. It’s brought me to even more wonderful people with whom I can relate closer. I have a firm desire to become a doctor. I know even better my weaknesses in academics, and I’ve developed new challenges. I’ve become sick. I’ve learned how to cook. I’ve associated with new people. I’ve been in touch with God and Jesus. God certainly did not forbid my independence. My wardrobe has changed… I’ve learned how to protect myself from people, from health issues, from negative energy. I love life, and how it has given me so much space to learn and hopefully I am fulfilling a goal that was previously designed for me spiritually.
Aside from that, I’ve been studying lightly for fear of hurting myself with my thyroid. I can feel the anxiety building up in it, and it’s a reminder not to stress out too much albeit the pressure could really help in covering ground before the mini. I just know that if I push myself again, I’ll end up crashing again.
I also learned that power naps are needed with my mental state. I really hate to do it, I always end up cranky, but it’s a necessity I must be willing to do in order to replenish my energy.
*sigh*… I got another Lifescapes CD.
Quartz Crystal chipped
Why did I have a dream that my quartz crystal had pieces chipped off…? I remember feeling the grooves and being depressed in my dream. 
She…
She…
Celebrate her brilliance.
Celebrate her faith.
Celebrate her strength.
Celebrate her passion.
Celebrate her goals.
Celebrate her magic.
Celebrate her warmth.
Celebrate her daring.
Celebrate her spirit.
Celebrate her.
Taken from a friend’s journal. Very inspiring through my hardships nowadays. I have been indulging on Lifescapes: Relaxing Orient to calm me through my anxiety in school.
LifeScapes: Relaxing Orient
Not doing what I should be doing
I feel like I’m on the border of exaggerated insanity and complete complacency (word?). Here I am, on an island far from a vacation resort, in an apartment complex in a village, with crabs chasing med school students to their front door. Where your feet hurts not because you’re tired of walking, but because your shoes have worn out all its arch support on the gravel, dirt road that has no sidewalk for you.
The boy at the shacks likes to follow students around for money so he can buy a meal at the local KFC.
The KFC litters its junk food in the bushes. I can’t escape American trash apparently.
Meanwhile, Iranian government. Hm. Michael Jackson’s death. Hm. Mass celebrity deaths by cardiac complications. Hm. Planes crashing. Hm. A young girl hanging onto a piece of wreckage for 13 hours in the ocean. Hm. It’s 100 degrees in my hometown. Hm. It’s summer vacation for most other people.
What is going on with the world? Here I am, stranded on my little island infested with crabs, and the world crashes. I am literally looking out in the direction of the United States as the sun sets, and wonder what you’re up to.
Thyroid appears normal now.
Wow. You’d be surprised how much your hormones contribute to your personality & character.
