stormed off

Today is very upsetting. This whole month has been so much in turmoil; I don’t think I’ve ever experienced this much drama in the past. The crap that happened earlier in the month is something that I can handle. But when emotions are tugging me this way and that with a given ultimatum, I feel like I’m in some maelstrom of confusion.

One key thing that I have to ask myself: what is it that you want? I suppose I can put up a list of pros and cons, though that notion always makes me feel like I am reducing those that I find so significant to a quantitative list. Do I want to lose a good friend at the expense of a new relationship?

Today, L.D. and I discussed some differences in our would-be relationship. In the end, he gave me some options to explore that I had developed in mind a few weeks in advance. But having someone so significant call me on it made the options more daunting for some reason. The problem I guess is that I have no strong will power. Or my heart isn’t cold enough. And as I have fallen into some strange phase of depression since coming back from the island, I find myself more and more upset about my indecisiveness. I’m think I’m just in a really bad phase in my life where I’ve made myself completely lost in terms of my priorities. I hate this feeling of being lost and not knowing what I want personally. I’ve never been 100% happy since coming back here.

Then, I find out that his ex added me to her buddy list – hopefully to block me though I have no interest in following that girl around. Honestly, for someone who wants to move on with her life, I don’t understand why the ex of my ex gives me a spiking hatred. I could really live without having to hear/see anything of her, and figuring out that she added my screen name pisses me off.

And at the same time upon realization, T.J. reasons to me that he has decided to talk to her again and maybe they can be friends again. I hate that I had decided against being with L.D. for him, still suffering the consequences and then he decides to try for a friendship with his ex – someone of whom I try to immaturely erase from my mind. But now I have to wonder, why the fuck do you still care? Why are you playing the girlfriend? This is insane!!!!