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“They don’t have anything that interests me for this year’s colloquial electives,” I said to my roommate as she was preparing herself for a day out. I held the course catalog in my hands open to a certain page; GA took the catalog in her hands and looked.

Colloquium courses were part of our electives, but students always seem so reluctant to start taking them. For one reason, they are three consecutive semesters long to complete for one letter grade. They are a string of highly subjective courses that three professors instruct from different disciplines. One that I had always found so interesting was a course called “Natural Disasters” in which a science professor lectured on the biological standpoint, a theologist lectured on the movement of spirituality in the population, and an economist lectured on what would the monetary implications be in a state of panic. But every semester, the colloquial courses change subjects and professors. Another reason why students didn’t like them so much was the inability to transfer credits to any other school.

But GA seemed to have expressed her own personal interest in one subject, “Holistic Health! If I wasn’t in honors, I would have really wanted to enroll in this class,” she pointed to the course number. It was decided. At least someone had an opinion; the next day, I enrolled for Holistic Health. The first semester was taught by a nursing professor who lectured on Western vs. Eastern medicine; a women & gender studies professor discussed the role of women in medicine in the past (prior to “Western” medicine); and a philosophy professor introduced the culture and mindsetting of Native American healing in the second semester.

Being a science major, I found myself listening hard to every word each of my professors would say to us in the beginning. I learned I had to remove myself from my science background if I wanted to understand anything. But I’d say 100% of the students struggled as much as I did to get the idea behind the class. I learned tremendously through lecture, but what I remembered the most was the meditation session at the end of each class meeting.

Students would make fun of each other for trying, and the professors were peeved at how naive we were as they tried to meditate themselves. It was just so foreign, and perhaps there wasn’t a good understanding to the subject in the beginning. I honestly tried to meditate, but in the beginning I just didn’t get the point like most of the students. One time, I opened my eyes from the meditative exercise. I could feel my pupils working to constrict as I looked about the room, looking out the window, and finally looking to the professors who were somewhat lost in a trance. I studied their calm, blank faces… the way their eyes closed so effortlessly and casually. “I’m not getting it,” I said to myself. That’s when I started to try to understand.

I felt at that point that I was no longer scoffing at the subject like everyone else; I was upholding the philosophy of science: to simply  make observations in order to understand. Western society had lost its way in science, and forgot the rudiments to science. I found it…very disrespectful to the people who were on the frontier of the golden age.

After that hurdle, I found it easier to clear my mind and meditate as my professors suggested. The classes became more enjoyable. But the most the most moving part of this topic was the term paper at the end of the course. To be continued~

Sick Sinus Syndrome

Then comes the poor estimation of time it takes me to swim my quota. Why does it take 25 minutes to swim 40 laps? I don’t know. I wonder how many laps I have to swim to get to my goal of 1 hour. Today, I particularly focused on the torso with my strokes; maybe this is why I gained so much distance. Lately, my breathing has been off, but I think this is something that will be fixed over time.

After the pool, I did a 4-hour shift at the hospital. There wasn’t a lot to do in Med Tele today since I had done everything last week… so I spent a lot of my time in the nurse station socializing. Most of today was standing around until someone had a unique request such as getting a tray of food, delivering a bladder scanner, etc. #M was pulling examples of EKGs from the monitors to teach me clinical topics when a box started to suddenly blink on the screen. #M paused, and began to analyze the other leads.

“And this is your prime example of sick sinus syndrome,” he says with a slightly higher pitch in his voice, “I have to tell the nurse right away.”

It was so freaking awesome to see this happen live on an EKG. We began to talk about the mechanism behind it all. Shortly, conversation died to a quiet ember and #M began to ask about my personal story coming to Med Tele. A doctor was standing by the sidelines, recording notes in a patient chart while observing an EKG nearby. I told #M the same lame story: that I was an ex-med student looking for that one school that will accept me into their Master’s program for nursing. This, of course, was met with comforting words sharing his confidence in my success.Yes, everyone sees so much potential, but still I continue to work so that I can see that behind my misty, biased glasses.

Apple friggin' pie.

I suppose the highlight of today was when I left the inventory room from stocking the new patient bags. I joined that same doctor that overheard the conversation in the great hallway. He looked at me with a nod, and we walked down the hall together. He said, “It’s a wonderful decision to become a nurse practitioner!” He went on to explain the perks of the profession from his doctor standpoint, “It’s what this country needs right now, and you are perfect for that role. I see that in you!” It’s so nice to volunteer here. I feel very fortunate that I’ve found this niche in the hospital where I learn so much of the stuff for which I thirst.

Afterward, I went all over my side of town hunting for apple pie ingredients. Safeway was obnoxiously expensive and surprisingly lacking. Target was outrageously cheap and fully stocked. And I found a sturdy pie pan at the mall for half the price that I saw in the former stores! The pie was quick to make thanks to Ate, who helped form the lattice on the pie. I wanted to put less sugar because I just hate dessert, but Ate insisted we follow the recipe. I’m kind of annoyed that it’s sweet, though. I aspire to bake the apple pie I had in New York, to make a pie that will bring back the same sensation of sitting beside LD at my leisure.

I made my way through the new walls of the Med Tele wing for the first time in what seemed like several months. When I arrived at this hall in the hospital, DK approached me with a patient who was being discharged.

“Joyce!” He called out my name as though I was a familiar pal in the distance. I greeted him with a big wave and smile; I offered to discharge the patient myself, and gripped the rubber handles of the wheelchair to take on the task. This started my 5-hour shift in the hospital, where I checked the glove compartments, sharps containers and nursing supplies in each patient room throughout the wing. When I was finally done with my responsibilities, I lingered in the the nursing station staring at the EKG monitors hungry for definition.

“What does multiform PVC mean?” I’d ask in the open silence, pointing to an EKG on the screen that blinked.

“That’s nothing, often times these triggers are false because we analyze the other leads and they show up normal on those,” the monitor tech would explain.

I scrunched my eyebrows, “But what does PVC stand for?”

“Pre-ventricular contraction,” he’d respond, “do you know your conduction pathway?”

I’d answer his questions, and he’d draw out the logic behind an EKG gone bad. Shortly, their shift would end and the new staff would move in. But I’d still stand there studying the EKGs, and still someone would explain clinical applications to me. This was how the remainder of my hours was spent in the hospital until I thanked everyone and said goodbye.

I told them that I had just been rejected to my top school but that I am still awaiting responses from other places. I particularly enjoyed #D’s facial expression:  scrunched eyebrows accompanied with a crooked line for a mouth and an incredulous shrug. He told me that I should have a more fierce attitude about my rejection, and that it’s that school’s problem that they didn’t take me. I smiled for the first time regarding the subject.

As I came home, I webcammed with LD and told him about my day. I also contacted DL who wanted to hang out today for a reiki session. I told her, “My reiki for your reading!”

DL is a very intuitive individual, but I’ve felt on various occasions that her readings are often mixed with her personal interpretation – something which will improve over time. She shuffled her angel cards as I vented about my anxiety. I was half confiding in her looking for the friendship necessary to comfort me, but I was also communicating with the angels demanding their response. Sadly, they could only give me the same information they’ve given to me when I directly asked them. The way the cards would stumble out of the deck on their own as DL shuffled them was undeniably their doing.

In the end, DL fanned out the angel cards in her hands. The edges of these beautiful cards were coated with a glistening, gold that I appreciated in the limited lighting in the room. I pulled out a card. It showed an illustration of Archangel Raphael, my guardian angel. In no way am I greatly surprised at the angel readings. Concluding my reading, a tear wells up in the corner of my eye silently and I am flooded with a feeling of comfort.

The trip to New York was amazing, and I certainly made a million memories having fun there, but now I come home and must face reality. I still have yet to be accepted into any kind of academic program; while APU has granted me an interview, I can’t put all my eggs in that basket until I receive a definitive answer. In response to this uncertainty, I’ve resorted to also applying to University of Illinois as their program prerequisites are similar to UCSF. There are some alternative motives in that choice, however.

There’s also this sudden shift in thinking in my relationship with LD. I don’t doubt that my stay at New York has strengthened our connection. It seemed so easy in the beginning of our relationship. Sure, any long distance relationship is a struggle for most couples, but it just seems to be getting more difficult the more successful and developed the relationship becomes. And our connection strengthens further with a jolt each time we’re able to see each other in person. Now it feels like most of my application to UoI is simply to secure a chance to live together with LD, and to finally be with each other more casually. That seems to be the attitude coming from both of us. If I go to Chicago for school, LD will follow me with his clinical rotations, then comes his residency in Chicago. If we can both get a job in Chicago, it just seems to complete the plan. A plan to move forward with our lives. It all seems so dream-like, but maybe I should perceive this with more resilience rather than groping for the possibility. It just feels like I’ve fallen so much more in love, and I am in a phase I’ve never once tread before in my feelings. It feels almost like… grown-up love. o_O

Hmm… maybe I should steer this entry to another direction.

I’ve made my to-do list for tomorrow which involves putting in some hours at the hospital, devising a plan for my recommendation letters, working on applications and – FINALLY – go swimming. No more fantasizing, sulking and feeling sorry for myself (and definitely no more relaxing). I must accomplish as much as possible before I have to go to work. I have struggled so much being able to put all of my feelings into words, but I pulled through thanks to the comforting words of SS and this Blonde Bock bottle of Gordon Biersch.

The one thing that seems to terrify me the most in flying is the suspicion that my checked-in luggage has been lost. No, I don’t care about the plane crashing or terrorists overtaking the cockpit or missing my flight. AirFrance lost my month’s worth of luggage when I traveled through Europe several years ago; granted, they gave me lots of euros for my personal expenses which meant that I had a shopping spree in Europe! but still… the agonizing minutes it takes to locate my luggage on a conveyor belt in the end is the most terrifying moment in my flying experience. ANYWAY. I was very pleased to learn that my two pieces of luggage were one of the first to pop out of the rubber curtains!

So, I’m back home now. The little souvenirs I bought have been passed out, and I have returned to a more relaxed but depressing state back in my comfy home. The familiar street names, curves of the roads, California chains, my big laptop and the sunny weather ought to feel relieving to me, but I can’t help but give a blasé sigh at my surroundings. Meh. And LD isn’t taking it very well, either. Although we have nothing to say, we webcam with each other as we go about our days independently just for the mere comfort of looking in a little window to find company in digital format.

Speaking of, I have photos to share finally! I will simply provide a link to rest of my photos. With this being my personal blog, I will share the shots I enjoy the most in this post.

Hope you guys enjoyed these as much as I did!

Yesterday, Jan 8, I crawled out from my ball of beddings to rest my chin on LD’s shoulder. “Happy Anniversary,” I said quietly. LD paused for a moment, probably to recall the date, and turned around to reciprocate.

We smiled, and I asked jokingly, “Do you still love me?”

LD asks in the same tone, “Are you still happy?”

LD and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary! Somehow special occasions such as this often requires a steak dinner! Our favorite steakhouse is called “Porterhouse” in northern California; but the warmth and casual familiarity of Austin’s Steak & Ale House in Kew Gardens, New York was enough to fill the gap. I had a 12oz Aged New York Sirloin with rice and vegetables. LD had the 12oz Pan Blackened Steak with rice and vegetables. It was a good restaurant, a place that didn’t seem so embellished in the New-York-Great-Eats feel that the classier restaurants throughout Manhattan often assume. Just good steak and good beer.

A few stops over, LD and I went back to Martha’s Bakery. I treated him out to a slice of mud pie for dessert; me, a slice of pecan pie. We enjoyed our slices at home watching the movie Hitch on TV with our friend TS.

During dinner, we were talking about this new year and what we were going to do. Frustratingly, neither of us could really say where we were going to go, or if we’ll be able to see each other again this year. I said I hoped to get into a Master’s program for nursing – and if not, take a Mandarin class. LD seems to share his plans with his mom and TS, but he doesn’t give out any nouns when I ask. I find this peculiar since his mom tends to tell me things anyway.

I added blankly, “My life seems so complicated,” and stuffed my mouth with a rich helping with medium rare steak.

Maybe, for now, it’s best to savor the great feeling and appreciate the anniversary. It’s been 2 years. Why haven’t we gotten into a fight yet? Why does it still feel very much like the lovey dovey phase? Never mind. I’ll just keep truckin’ til we can live happily ever after.

My old clique

Yesterday, I stayed indoors warmed by the presence of LD who was knocked out in bed by his 24-hour call. In the evening, LD’s family came to visit the apartment. The four of us went to Forest Hills where we found a pizzeria that was unnecessarily pricey, but had the Chicago-style deep dish pizza that LD’s family miss. LD bought me a slice of apple pie from the bakery across the street, which has inspired me to add a new item to my recipe book. We took the bus back home, everyone hugging each other goodbye.

Today, LD and I did some errand shopping. It was a very Filipino day. We had lunch at Ihawan restaurant off Roosevelt Avenue. In the evening, we got together with several of our classmates at Grill 21. Although it was mainly because RK passed his USMLE Step 1, we dubbed the occasion a Filipino Union reunion since many of us were present from the club. LD and I shared a sizzling sisig and halo-halo. :]~ Too much Filipino food!

“Central Park,” he replied with decision. It was one of the major tourist attractions he didn’t get to see in the brief time he visited.

I grinned, “I’m gonna shower.”

Again, I walked through Central Park with a daze, enjoying it’s lush beauty despite the frosty wind gnawing at my fingertips. It was truly a beautiful time to walk through the park, that morning mist, scent of the elm woods and morning squirrels running about transformed the environment into a more wondrous, imaginative one. I discovered the Bethesda Terrace and its “Angel of the Waters” fountain. Dreamily, I imagined this  previously unknown path in the park once held regal parties where the attendees wore extravagant gowns and penguin tuxedos, and danced under the beaming moonlight. Yes, to me, this was a prime location for an engagement photo shoot in all its romantic design.

SC and I decided to walk towards Times Square for lunch when we reached the southwestern corner of the park. We chose to eat at Lindy’s Diner, but it was really expensive. SC offered to pay the check, which sent me in a flurry of resistance, but he explained that it was the least he could do for being an unofficial tour guide. It occurred to me just then that SC was never alone during his New York trip, and that I greatly helped in showing him around. This realization gave me great satisfaction in my level of independence being a little girl braving the stinky subways all by myself to arrive at my destinations; in fact, I had reached a point where I can comfortably show someone around to New York in the future complete with local hang outs, restaurants and trivial facts of the city!

We walked up and down Times Square since SC didn’t quite get a good look at the place the last time we were there. We headed to Flushing after since I needed to get Asian groceries and SC had never been there. I bought glass noodles, hot sesame oil, green onions and spinach at the New World grocery store. I suggested he try the pearl tea at Kung Fu Tea; I decided to try out the taro milk green tea – although fairly simple, it’s taste was professionally intricate.

We were home by around 4pm. I bought a carrot, onion, mushrooms and sliced beef at Met Foods near the apartment. SC continued to play with his cell phone in the living room until time ran out and he had to go to the airport. I hugged him goodbye and said that hopefully we see each other again some other time. He pulled his luggage up the driveway and said, “Take care of LD for me.” At this I smiled and laughed, and hurried back inside because I was sauteing onions and boiling noodles on the stove.

TS came home in something of a bad mood. It took him a few minutes to collect himself before he returned to his natural, happy self. He offered to help cook the japchae that was 90% complete. Actually, I needed his upper body strength to mix all the noodles together! He sounded really grateful when he tried it; I could tell that he was maybe a little guilty for eating my cooked food. I felt it was important to share with him that cooking was a therapeutic activity for me, and the fact that he comes back for seconds is a tremendous reward to me (because my family will sometimes not eat my food until it gets cold). Trying it myself, I’m very satisfied with my 2nd run at making this!

I lovingly packed some japchae for LD to eat at the hospital since he was on 24-hour call. TS didn’t like the idea that I was going to a dangerous part of town by myself, so he insisted on accompanying me to the hospital. It was so sweet of him. LD and I was happy to see both of us, and I waited patiently in the medical staff room for LD to finish his rounds. LD seemed to have a more professional tone in midst of the other medical students and his resident, but I guess that’s to be expected when you’re on the job. He showed me out of the hospital even though I didn’t need the help, and he gave me a more recognizable and intimate hug in the elevator where we were alone.

I can’t wait to see LD tomorrow morning! Goodnight!

We took another ferry from there to Ellis Island. LD and I watched in the theater a movie that shared the perspectives of many people who went through Ellis Island to get to America. Although greatly educational, I wished that we had more time for exploring the exhibits that were located all throughout the building. It was a truly beautiful place, however.

The ferry ride home was cold but Liberty Island was complimented with a backdrop of a color–infused sky of pinks and purples as we headed back to Manhattan. When we got off the boat, we took the subway to Gray’s Papaya restaurant where we tried their special hot dogs drizzled with a papaya sauce and sauerkraut. It was delicious! We also bought a dollar slice of pizza to satisfy our hunger.

I’m soooo tired. @_@

SC wanted to get breakfast at a bagel shop around the corner from our block, but I wasn’t so interested in paying money for that kind of fatty food. Instead, we went back home, and I prepared a lean breakfast sandwich. We saw LS2 off at the bus stop, and all but TS went to the Empire State Building for a grand aerial view of the city and then some. Just before falling in line, I stood at the corner to practice motion photography with all the yellow taxis that whooshed by the main street! Hopefully, I fulfilled my criteria for that little photo project.

It was nice that I managed to catch the sunset for a minute along the observatory of the Empire State Building. City lights are only good to shoot when the last of the sunlight is creeping; I hope I managed to catch that in my first panoramic photo. This was a really good opportunity to utilize the sweet zoom lens LD gave me for Christmas. It was incredible to see in greater detail all the people skating at the Bryant Park ice rink!

Well, LD and I only went to the 86th floor, but SC went further up. He reportedly stated that the top floor, having been fenced in by glass, was cramped and not camera friendly. When LD and I made it back to the ground floor, we joined a small crowd taking pictures in the art-deco lobby. It was really nice to give my SLR to a random guy who was camera savvy, and knew that he was holding a rebel t2i with an L series lens. You could tell he really appreciated the invitation to take our picture!

Walking to the M7 bus stop, we ended up strolling into the first pub which happened to be a place named “Playwright’s.” The three of us ordered Guinness, but left the pub as soon as we drank away the head of our pints because they were $8 each! We were in something of a hurry anyway because we were trying to meet TS and DE near Rockefeller Center; they had been standing in line for about an hour at the Halal Chicken & Rice stand at the corner. All throughout New York, there are these Halal stands or food trucks planted on the corners of the sidewalks; the most popular of them all is situated at the corners of 53rd street and 6th avenue. One needs only to observe the long lines  that the stands attract, but also s/he ought to order something from them, too. A fair warning for the hot sauce: do a taste test before applying it…!

I ran across the street to the other line and came across TS and DE who were not too far off from the front of the line. I spent a few minutes chatting with them, and it made me happy to talk to good friends. My order came to me in a pie pan layered with brown rice carpeted by a combination of chicken and lamb meat on top. Sadly, I didn’t know how hot the red sauce was… and I could only eat some of it… But this clears one of the major attractions I wanted to accomplish here in New York!

We stopped by the Starbucks where I ordered a grande iced brewed coffee, and then we went home. We watched Back to the Future 2 with TS who was very enthusiastic about sprinkling the trivial facts about its production! Then, LD spent the rest of his evening playing videogames, and I sat at my leisure online with my laptop while we both had gold label, cheesecake and then a bottle of beer before retiring at 2am. <3